Life is not easy. Especially when you are in a family of invisible illnesses and disabilities. It can be serious, funny and downright hard! But we make it. Just like everyone else. We just do it in a different style.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Sad state of things

I am not feeling very good right now.

My Critical Thinking grade has slipped to a C. Why, because I have been too sick to remember to post an assignment. A whole assignment!

When I think that to the day it was due, the 23rd of November, I was in bed with a blood pressure of 154/107. I could barely stand up. In fact, if I stood up, it shot higher. That little episode lasted 2 whole days. No warning when it showed up and no warning when it went away. I barely remember the days of that weekend at all. I remember trying to clean my house in preparation for Thanksgiving and not getting much done. My vision was blurry and cloudy. I actually remember trying to do the assignment and not having the brain power to know whether my answers were really correct or not.

This has become quite unbearable. This week, it was my cycle that took out 2-3 days of the week. Pain, cramps and unbridled fatigue saw me more in the bed than out of it. Moments of lucidity were far and few in between. I did prepare Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday, but the cycle started Thursday night, and I don't remember too much of Friday and Saturday. I remember today. Even today, I had a major nap.

This napping thing is becoming a major problem. It could be the vertigo meds. I was told it can make you sleepy. But what about losing big chunks of memory? I just don't know.

I submitted the assignment late. I have no idea what grade I will get on it. No, I haven't told my instructor I am ill. I don't know why not. I am proud, I suppose. I hate to always whine about how ill I feel. No one wants to hear that. I hate to have to "take it easy" and give up things and dreams. I hate loss and having to voice it. If no one knows, no one will ask me "how I am feeling today." I don't have to disappoint anyone in saying I still don't feel well or better. Yes, I am a big faker, but this kind of faking it, I like. I feel better about it, because, it is my secret of sorts. Yes, I am blogging to the world and anyone can see it, but my classmates do not come here nor my instructor. I am not sick to them, and that matters to me.

In my last block, I became ill, and used two software programs to stay up with everyone. No one knew but one instructor and my enrollment counselor. This block, the reading is so long that I cannot get through it. I highlight what I can and move on. This time, I tried to keep it to myself and this blog. It caught me off guard when my enrollment counselor knew I had fainted. Silly me, I had given him my blog address. And he came here and read up on that little event.

*Sigh* I am not sure how to handle this. There are 3 more weeks left before a winter break. I will see one of my docs next week. Hopefully, he will give me some advice and some help. I don't want to stop school again. I don't want to fail. I have some soul searching to do.

In the meantime, I have three weeks to possibly get back to a B. That would make me feel better. Like I wasn't so sick. Like I could make it for once.

Take care,