Life is not easy. Especially when you are in a family of invisible illnesses and disabilities. It can be serious, funny and downright hard! But we make it. Just like everyone else. We just do it in a different style.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Keeping Myself Going Or I Feel A Faith Walk Coming On

Below is a list of Tweets I sent this morning. Not so much to my followers, but to me.

You see, I am feeling like I could hit a depressive wall soon. You know that dissonate wall when your dreams and goals smack into reality really hard? Well, I see it coming. Here is the problem.

I want to do so much. It's the reason I am back in school. I want to provide a safe home and environment for my children with a little land around it. I want to have a place for my sister to retire to when she is ready. I want to live comfortable with enough to eat and read.

And, right now, as I start my fourth day in a house without heat, I wonder if I will even live long enough to see my children grow up. My mother died when my sister was only 19, and I was 29. I have always felt we never had enough time.

Maybe that is what is wrong. I feel like I am starting late. I mean, I am 43 and trying to complete my associate's degree. I am so slow reading and comprehending. I wonder what am I doing.

So, this morning, in the bitter frigid air of my dining room, I decided that before I hit that wall, I would put on my inspirational music. You know what I mean. We all have those songs that keep us going when there is nothing tangible left to go on for.

Of course, I cried. Listening to these songs always makes me feel like I have been running 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction. I have been focusing on goals and accomplishments; tangible ones like grades. when some days I need to focus on internal goals. The ability to look inward, take stock of our lives and think about the good stuff.

Like the friends I have made through this blog, Facebook and Twitter. Like the difference people tell me I am making in their lives. How they appreciate me. Yes, little ole me.

Folks, I can tell you right now I am about to enter a Faith Walk. It is a term I came up with over 10 years ago, after my parents died within seven weeks of each other, while I was pregnant with my 2nd son and after my then 1st husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore.

A Faith Walk is a period of time you go through when you don't see ANY positiveness around. I mean it. Nothing looks good at all, and the disasters seem to pile up.

How do you keep going through one of these?

Everyone is different, but this is how I survived then and now.

1. Get rid of anyone's conversation that is not positive. Really. Even though you don't see anything good, surround yourself with good sounds and words from other people.

2. Go to the library (I had to walk to it one time) and come home with something funny, something miraculous and something spiritual. I don't care if you don't believe in any religion. Now is a time of negativity. Reach out for something beyond yourself and your situation.

3. Get the music that will keep you going playing. Put on constant repeat if you have to. Sing at the top of your lungs. Crying while singing is permitted. Getting angry at your situation is encouraged. This leads to letting the problem have its space and gets you ready to move on to solutions.

4, Take control of whatever you can. Control makes one feel a sense of power. The feeling of powerlessness has to be avoided at all cost. If all you can do is straighten the edges of the covers of the sickbed you lay in, by God, straighten them! Sit back and admire. Say to yourself, I did that!

5. Look forward to change. I mean this. I know you don't know where it is coming from, but get in the frame of mind that change eventually comes. I don't care if you think "this will never change." I was a single parent for 10 years. During that time, I became disabled and hit serious poverty. But that same situation is not here today. Back then, everyday I got up and looked for change. Expect it. It is coming.

6. Repeat this process for as long as it takes.

So, to get back to the beginning. Here is the tweets I sent out this morning. It is some of the lyrics to one of my favorite uplifting songs by Bill Gaither called "Thanks for Sunshine." If you click on the little music player under the picture, you should be able to hear it.

Well, I have to get going. This faith walk looks like it is going to be a long one.

judielise Listening to my favorite "Thank You" song and thought to tweet some of the lines. ThankU lines.

judielise ThankU line: Thanks for sunshine

judielise ThankU line: thanks for love

judielise ThankU line: Thanks for flowers.

judielise ThanksU line: Thanks for children, for each girl and boy.

judielise ThankU line: Thanks for laughter, Thanks for the joy.

judielise ThankU line: Thanks for labor.

judielise ThankU Line: Thanks for tears.

judielise ThankU line: Thanks for tomorrow. Fill it with love.

judielise Thanks for listening. That's all. Back to your normal Twitter chatter.

Picture credits: Rosie Hardy on Flickr