Life is not easy. Especially when you are in a family of invisible illnesses and disabilities. It can be serious, funny and downright hard! But we make it. Just like everyone else. We just do it in a different style.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Where Did That Blog Name Come From?

After reading an intriguing post at General Hysteria, I mentioned in my reply that I would write a post about where this blog name came from. Please read her post first, because it sets the stage for my post.

I joined in with General Hyteria on how hard life has become, the unfairness of it all, and the inevitable feeling of inadequacy. Oh, how I know how that feels!

There were so many times that I wondered where exactly had I gone wrong. Where had I made the turn that brought me to the spot and circumstances I found myself in now. Was it really a wrong move or was I just whining about my life when so many others had it harder? Was I just not able to buck up, put my big girl panties on (my sister loves that phrase!) and deal with it? Apparently, I wasn't, until I had an Epiphany of sorts of my own-in my favorite epiphany-happening place-the shower.

I will not forget that morning. I probably only had a couple of hours (2-3) of sleep, due to hubby's seizures and sleep apnea, young son's insomnia and the fact that after a year of marriage, we were in foreclosure.

I have to admit, I don't take financial instability well. I will go/have gone without food to save on the food bill, while I watch my kids eat. I will go/have gone without new clothes while providing SOMETHING new for the next school year. So, first and foremost on my mind that morning, was what in the world was I going to do?

Talking to God becomes a past-time when you are a single parent of special needs kids.

You tell Him everything, including your rants. He takes it and usually an answer comes floating down the timeline that makes you really know there is someone greater than yourself out there. You come to realize you can really connect this random circumstance to your rant/prayer.

That morning, I was railing, crying and extremely angry with the Powers That Be. My mind kept going back to several weeks earlier, when everyone thought I was having a nervous breakdown, because I woke from a bad dream and literally screamed and cried for 45 minutes. I remember being paralyzed by fear after that dream. Fear of failing, losing our home, being homeless again (another post for another day), and having to explain to two sets of trusting eyes what Mom was going to do; how Mom was going to save the day again.

And there I stood in the shower, feeling the emotions well up again and threaten to take me over. Sobbing, I yelled into the tile,

"What do You have in store for me now? Why are You doing this to me? Did I EVER suggest that I could handle anything like this? Did I EVER give You an inkling that I could be a leader? Are You crazy!??!! I don't want this family! I never asked for this! In fact, if I remember clearly, I wanted/asked for a career. How long do You think I can last like this? And, what am I supposed to do with this bunch of sicknesses, disorders, neurological atypical..."

In the middle of all of that, I swear I heard in my mind, "You have a unique family."

"Unique. Unique! There is no other family like it, are You kidding?"

But, suddenly, I no longer wanted to stay in the shower, under the pelting water. Suddenly, I wanted to get out and do something. At the time, I didn't know what. I barely knew what blogging was. All I had was an email address.

That was nearly a year ago.

I still don't have a plan, really. I just retell our story. I post stuff pertaining to what affects us. Somewhere in here, I believe is my purpose and the purpose of this life I am living. I don't pretend to understand it, get it or even approve of it. I just know that being unique is important to God. It has been important to one or two followers who comment. It has become important enough for me to deal with my days and nights, keep on moving and writing.